Pleasure First
It’s Monday morning at 9am and I’m still in my robe, sipping hot tea and writing in my journal, after luxuriating in bed with my husband.
I’m in no hurry to get to work and I feel zero guilt about that.
One thing I’ve discovered about myself over the past few years is that my system is not set up for work-before-play, or to rush through the day.
If you are a woman with a feminine operating system, this may be true for you, too.
Feminine energy is receptive and inward. Which means the feminine operating system works better if we receive first, before we give.
This is especially true for me if I am receiving p-l-e-a-s-u-r-e.
It’s quite the opposite for men with a masculine operating system, like my husband. He is all about work-before-play. He loves getting up in the morning and killing it with chores and exercise before going to work and killing it with tasks. When he’s given it all and feels spent, he can relax and receive.
Masculine energy is designed to give / do / accomplish first, before receiving. A funny and irreverent way to understand this energetic is “fuck it or kill it,” as Ken Wilber likes to say.
By the way, if you haven’t heard me say this before… When I talk about Masculine and Feminine, I am referring to energies and values that are accessible to all of us, regardless of gender.
Which means that “fuck it or kill it” can be true for anyone. It certainly was true for me when I was younger and used a lot of Masculine energy to get through the day as I was raising kids and working in corporate. (FYI, this led me to burnout, so I have learned to be gentler with myself.)
Let’s get back to sex, where I was heading before that little detour…
My hubby and I have been sorting out our morning routine for a long time now. We used to exercise together first thing in the morning because, well, you’re supposed to exercise first, right?
It was a miracle when I realized that I could just say no to jumping out of bed to do chores or push my body through a challenging workout. When I realized this, my husband started getting up without me. But that didn’t work for me, either. My system felt jolted when he bolted out of bed.
I want to start my day slow, with pleasure first.
And so, for the past year, we’ve been setting our alarm 30 minutes early so we can snuggle or make love before he gets up to do chores. And I linger awhile longer, to be with myself.
My days go so much better when I begin in receptive mode, enjoy my softness, keep my energy inward, and fill my cup before I go to work and give my energy outward.
The point is to reserve my Masculine energy for deadlines and meetings because I seem to have a limited supply of it.
When I have a slow, pleasure-filled start to the day, I am noticeably more focused and productive at work. But that is not the point; the point is to take good care of my energy system, so it can take good care of me.
Sometimes, I do jump out of bed and get right to work because of a deadline or a client in India. Without fail, this is when I end the day feeling grumpy and depleted, and reaching for a glass of wine.
Here is my ideal daily practice, in case you want to borrow a nugget:
I take my time and go s-l-o-w in the morning. Snuggles and pleasure first (if not lovemaking, then self pleasure). Next, silent meditation, prayer, and energy work. After this, I may do some journaling, practice yoga, dance, or go for a walk… but nothing that requires pushing or efforting. I prefer to take a bath with sacred oils and candles, instead of a quick shower. After all of this is complete, without rushing, I get to the office around 10am.
Pleasure first. It works for me. And maybe it will work for you.
If you’re not self-employed, and/or you’re still raising kids, I feel you. I love you. And I know you’ll have to modify this practice to fit your reality. But if you can get up even 30 minutes early to honor the feminine part of you, I think you might be pleasantly surprised at how worthwhile it is.
If you do try this, please let me know how it goes.